


Left Behind

by Noteventhat (Facialteeth)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Tragedy, Depressed Magnus Bane, Guilt, Heavy Angst, I'm not going to keep going but seriously this is pure angst, M/M, Mundane Alec Lightwood, Mundane Magnus Bane, Non-graphic Past Tense Suicide, References to Depression, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, Wakes & Funerals, mentions of sex toys in passing, non-graphic description of corpses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat
Summary: The thing about soulmates, at least the way Alec understood it, is that you were actually supposed to meet them one day. They weren’t supposed to die before you even had the chance to introduce yourself. They weren't supposed to die before you could hear their voice for the first time or see their face.They just weren't suppose to die, not without you.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 13
Kudos: 79





	Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is super not a happy fic! Please read the tags or be prepared for some serious angst before you keep going.

‘Magnus Bane’ had always been someone Alec knew, in his head at least. Magnus Bane was perfect. Magnus was brilliant. He was a doctor, a scientist, a librarian.

Magnus had been a lot of things over the years. Alec’s head could never quite decide what he expected of his soulmate. Maybe, he worked at a grocery store or at Starbucks, Alec thought sometimes. Maybe, he was in college right now. Maybe, he was traveling. 

Alec could only guess and everyday, he changed his mind about what he thought. Really, Alec had no clue who Magnus was. He had no clue what he did. He had no clue what he liked or what he didn’t. He didn’t know what made him happy or what he loved. He didn’t know what he was scared of. He didn’t know what he looked like. He didn’t know if he had facial hair. He didn’t know how he liked his coffee, or if he even liked coffee at all. He didn’t know his favorite dessert or his favorite wine. He didn’t know if he liked flowers, if Alec could bring him some one day and if he’d be pleased with them or not.

Maybe, Magnus was allergic to flowers. Maybe, Alec would bring him some without knowing and Magnus would have to tell him that he couldn’t take them but he'd be pleased anyway and Alec would be embarrassed. 

He didn’t know if Magnus could dance or not. Maybe, he was just as horrible at dancing as Alec was. Maybe, they’d dance together and they’d laugh as they stepped on each other’s feet. Maybe, they’d spin and laugh along with the people watching their uncoordinated fumbling.

Maybe, Magnus was good at dancing. Maybe, he’d drag Alec onto the dance floor and spin around him, like he’d been born to be there. Maybe, he’d laugh at Alec and maybe, Alec wouldn’t be offended because it was him.

Alec wondered what their first meeting would be like. He wondered if his soulmate would be leaving some small cafe when Alec was trying to go in. He wondered if they’d crash into each other and he wondered if he’d look up, covered in coffee, to see a face he’d been waiting for his whole life. 

He wondered if Magnus would be a server at a restaurant he went to on break. He wondered if Magnus would come to get his drink order and find him instead. He wondered if Magnus would take his lunch and he wondered if they’d sit across from each other, breathless and giddy, neither of them knowing what to say.

He wondered if Magnus would crash his car and Alec would just happen to be there, walking by. He wondered if he’d rush to help him. He wondered if Magnus would be hurt, just bad enough to go to the hospital and he wondered if Alec would go with him and sit next to his bedside, clutching his hand, thanking whatever god might be listening that he was okay. 

He wondered if Magnus believed in god or what god, if he did. He wondered if Magnus was religious at all. He wondered if his parents were. He wondered if Magnus had been sent to those religious bible camps, like he had. 

Maybe, his family was jewish. Alec wondered what kind of holidays they’d celebrate at home, when they had a home together. He wondered if Magnus would want to celebrate Christmas with him or if they’d celebrate Hanukkah or both. 

He wondered if Magnus liked holidays. He wondered which one was his favorite one. Alec would love to celebrate his favorite holiday with him. Even if it was something like Easter, Alec would make it special. They could have an easter egg hunt in their apartment, if Magnus wanted. Alec would put little cheesy notes in the eggs. Unless, Magnus didn’t like easter. 

He wondered if Valentine’s day would be a big thing for them. Alec rolled his eyes at the holiday now but really, if Magnus liked it, Alec wouldn’t mind celebrating it. He wouldn’t mind if Magnus wanted it to be a big thing. Alec would set up the flowers and bring him on a romantic date and have a grand surprise waiting for him when they got home. 

He wondered if Magnus had tattoos. He wondered if he’d mind that Alec did. He wondered if Magnus would like it, like _really_ like it. 

He wondered if Magnus would want to get married someday. Most soulmates did but maybe, Magnus wouldn’t like marriage. Maybe, they’d decide against it and they’d roll their eyes every time Alec’s family asked when it was happening, because they would. 

Alec wondered if Magnus would want kids. Alec hoped he would. He was flexible on marriage but Alec wanted kids. Of course, he’d understand if his soulmate did not but he’d be disappointed regardless. Alec _really_ wanted kids. 

He wondered if Magnus would want a boy or a girl. He wondered if he’d already thought of names, like Alec had. He wondered if Magnus would want their kids to grow up in the city or if they’d move somewhere in the country. 

Maybe, Magnus wanted a farm. Maybe, they’d have chickens or bees. Maybe, they’d stay in the city. Maybe, Magnus liked it and they’d get a nice apartment together with a balcony. Alec didn’t mind either way. Alec loved the city but a nice quiet home in the country sounded nice too. 

Honestly, Alec wouldn’t mind anything Magnus wanted. He was pretty adaptable and more than anything, he was just excited to meet him and to know what it was he wanted because Alec would try to make it happen, whatever it was. 

He was just excited to meet him. He was excited to know how they’d meet and to know what his soulmate would look like. He was excited to find out what kind of food he liked and what he did for a living. He was excited to find out what his goals were and what he wanted out of life, out of their relationship.

He was excited to _know_ him, whatever that meant. He’d assumed his whole life that he _would_ get to know him. From the moment he’d seen Magnus’ name on his arm, he’d assumed that he’d get to meet him, like most people got to meet their soulmates. 

He never imagined that they’d never meet. He never imagined that he’d see Magnus’ name in an obituary one day. He never imagined that he’d summon the courage to call the funeral home, who put him in contact with Magnus’ family, who confirmed that yes, Magnus had Alec’s name on his arm. 

He never imagined he’d meet Magnus’ family, or well the friends he’d considered family. He didn’t imagine he’d be invited to the wake. He didn’t imagine he’d see his soulmate for the first time, laying in a casket. 

At least Alec did learn some things about his soulmate. He was beautiful. He was breathtaking really, even laying still and cold with his arms crossed. He was someone Alec would have been drawn to instantly, soulmate or not. He was someone that Alec imagined he’d have fallen in love with very easily.

He had brown eyes, though Alec learned that from photos he’d been given. He still never got to see them in person. 

Magnus had liked hiking. He liked rock climbing too and apparently, he’d been ‘free climbing’ a few times. He’d gone skydiving before. 

Alec loved hiking. He’d never been rock climbing at all, let alone free climbing and he’d never been skydiving either but he would have gone, if Magnus had asked him to go with him, if things had been different. Alec would have been worried about someone getting hurt. He’d probably have freaked out, seeing his soulmate climbing up a cliff like that with any protection.

Now, Alec would never have to panic like that. He’d never have to worry about something happening to his soulmate. At least that was an upside. 

Ragnor, one of Magnus’ closest friends, had let Alec go through Magnus’ stuff before they’d packed it all up. He let Alec go into his apartment and see everything the way Magnus had it. Magnus liked decorating. He was good at it. He collected old artifacts and paintings to display. He had a lot of books, some in languages Alec didn’t even know. 

Alec took a lot of them. They were dog eared. Magnus had things shoved in a lot of them, sometimes relating to the book, sometimes random things. Alec found a cheesecake recipe pressed behind the cover of one book. His favorites books were highlighted. He had things scribbled in the margins of some.

Magnus’ handwriting was nice. It was fancy but when he was writing for himself, the fancy loopy writing decayed into scribbles. Alec couldn’t even read most of it when he was skimming but he was excited to go through them later and try to figure out what Magnus had been saying. He wanted to know every word that he thought was important enough to write in there. He wanted to know why he’d liked these books. 

Alec took some of the ones that were in other languages too. A couple were in Latin. Some looked like they were written in some form of Chinese. Alec didn’t know Chinese or Latin but he figured he had time to try and learn. 

Alec found some of Magnus’ more… intimate things too. He found sex toys in the closet, a lot of them. He didn’t take any of them but he looked through them nonetheless. He felt like he was invading his soulmate's privacy but he probably would have seen them someday anyway, if Magnus was alive. Maybe, Magnus would have invited him into his bedroom and they’d have played with these. 

Alec had a lot of things to mourn and never having sex with his soulmate was pretty low on the list compared to the fact that he’d never even got to meet him but that didn’t mean it wasn’t on the list at all. Magnus was clearly very adventurous. They’d have been really compatible, which made sense. They were soulmates, after all. 

Alec found notes too. Magnus had been a lawyer. Ragnor had told him that but it was obvious by the notes all over his desk as well. He had reminders to call people. Scribbles of things he wanted to look into for specific cases. 

Alec took most of them. He wasn’t sure if he should have. Client confidentiality and all that but Alec was never going to call anyone Magnus had mentioned or even care about their cases. He took them because Magnus had written them. That was it. 

He took some of Magnus’ clothes too. Magnus dressed very flashy, Alec realized quickly. Even the suits he had in his closet were far more colorful and eye catching than anything Alec would wear but he had some sweaters too, ones that it didn’t seem like he’d ever worn outside his apartment. 

Alec took most of those. One was bright purple, one a pale blue. Alec probably wouldn’t wear them outside the house either but he had the feeling he’d wear them a lot at home. They were comfortable and they smelled like Alec imagined Magnus must have smelled. They smelled like ash and the sandalwood soap Magnus had in the bathroom. They smelled like Magnus’ sheets did, though Alec wouldn’t admit to anyone that he’d smelled them. 

That was probably weird. 

Ragnor wanted to go through the photos Magnus had but he’d sent Alec a package a few weeks later, full of photos of Magnus. There weren’t many from when he was a kid. Apparently, Magnus hadn’t had a very good childhood. There was one photo of him when he was young though. He had his front teeth missing and he was smiling, a big toothy grin into the camera. There were some from when Magnus was a teenager too. 

He looked like he’d been a little bit of a rebel. He wasn’t smiling in those photos but Alec could imagine him with ripped jeans and big boots Ragnor said he liked to wear. Alec and him couldn’t have been more different in high school. Alec had been such a nerd. 

Most of the photos were more recent. There were photos of him with his friends, with a baby Alec didn’t know. There were photos of him on a farm somewhere, smiling with a goat. There were photos of Magnus graduating from law school. There were photos in a hospital, where it looked like Magnus had broken his arm. 

There were photos of Magnus with a cat too. It was a hairless, grumpy looking thing. Alec had seen the cat toys around the apartment. Later, he asked Ragnor what happened to the cat. He’d just been curious. He hadn’t exactly wanted it. He’d never been that much of a cat person but Ragnor said the cat was at a shelter right now and he asked if Alec wanted to take it. 

How could Alec say no? Alec went home with Magnus’ books and Magnus’ clothes and a few days later, he had a cat named Chairman. Chairman and Alec did not get along right away. Chairman did not like Alec’s apartment. Mostly, he ran around and cried. Ragnor said he’d always been a fussy cat and to ignore him. Alec thought he was missing Magnus. 

After a while, they’d gotten use to each other. Alec didn’t touch Chairman much but every once in a while, Chairman would jump on his lap and they’d lay together for a little bit. It was nice. Alec didn’t regret taking him in the end. He could see how Magnus would have liked this little grumpy thing.

Alec hadn’t asked how Magnus died for a long time and no one had offered the information to him. Alec got the feeling that he didn’t want to know but eventually, he’d learned almost everything else that he could about Magnus, without actually being able to meet him that was. Eventually, he had to ask. 

He'd texted Ragnor because he hadn’t wanted to ask over the phone. He hadn’t had the guts to do so. It felt gentler, seeing it in text instead of hearing it. He’d thought it would be anyway. It still hurt, regardless. 

Ragnor said Magnus had struggled with depression for a while. For a moment, Alec didn’t really comprehend what Ragnor was saying. All he’d thought was that it was just another thing he and Magnus had in common, something else they could have tried to help each other with. 

He killed himself, Ragnor said in another message and Alec didn’t ask anymore questions after that. He didn’t ask how. He didn’t ask for details. Maybe, someday he would ask but for now, Alec didn’t want to know how he’d done it. 

There was nothing Alec could have done differently to try and save his soulmate. He could have looked for him more, of course. He could have tried harder than the few times he did to try and find him online. He’d just had this dream of them meeting organically. He thought they’d run into each other someday. He hadn’t thought _this_ would happen. If he had, he would have looked for him. He would have tried to stop him. 

But there was nothing he could have done. That’s what his therapist said anyway and Alec was trying to believe her. Only, most nights Alec didn’t believe her because if he had met Magnus before he’d done it, Alec was convinced that he’d have been able to save him. He wouldn’t have been able to cure his depression, of course but Alec knew what it felt like to want to end your life.

He could have helped him. He could have stayed with him and watched him. He could have stopped him from doing it, he was sure but there was nothing he could have done. 

Alec repeated it to himself some nights, like if he murmured it enough it would make him believe it anymore than he did. There was nothing he could have done. There was nothing he could have done and yet, Alec felt like he should have done something more, _anything_ more.

He felt like he'd failed his soulmate and no matter what Alec did now, he couldn't go back and save him. He couldn't fix it and that was something Alec was going to have to live with for the rest of his life because Magnus was not here. They were never going to meet and Alec was never going to get the chance to tell him that he was sorry and that he loved him and that he was so, so happy to get to meet him for the first time.


End file.
